Thursday, October 15, 2015

A Personal Matter

This is a very personal post for me and I am very nervous about putting this out there even if nobody ever visits this blog. I just need to talk about it and hope that it may miraculously figure itself out.

It's about a boy. We'll call him Liam (that's not his real name FYI). I've been friends with him since the beginning of high school and we've gone to all the school dances together. As friends. I found out a long time ago that he liked me (he denied it but people in his classes told me otherwise) but I told him I just wanted to be friends. That was two years ago.
Slowly, since then, I've started to develop these...feelings. They started off as just "Oh I want to talk to Liam" or "Liam and I should go to the football game together". But tonight, I realized that I might want something more. I thought about wanting a hug and to just hang out together. It was while I was watching his choir (a co-ed) sing.
But I'm almost 100% positive I'm too late. I saw him tonight socializing with his new choir friends (we're in separate choirs) and just smiling. God, I love that smile. He's not the hottest guy around, but he's one of the sweetest-if not the sweetest-guy I've met. And god damn it I was just like those stupid girls in movies and books who ditches the sweet guy in exchange for the bad boy, except there was no other boy in the picture.
And I realized I lost him when we were walking together towards the balcony and he walked away to talk to somebody else. I lost him in that moment.
Pretty much the entire concert I thought about the situation, how he's got all these new friends who treat him a lot better than I have been treating him.
I'm a terrible friend. That's all I can say. If you need more persuading that I suck, how about he knows a lot of stuff about me (like my favorite color and what I do in my spare time), while I knew virtually nothing about him.
I lost him, but I don't know if I ever had him.
It hurts. It hurts so much.

I know parents and adults tell us to forget about all of the drama in high school because it won't matter in the future, but the future isn't the present. Sure, I don't know how things will work out in 5-10 years, but that's not now. This is what's now, and this is what I have to live with.
It matters now. And I was too oblivious to it all.

FUCK ME! I want to cry because of how bad I feel. How I haven't treated him as more than a friend, how we always talked about me. He deserves better than me. In a cheesy YA novel about a new girl who falls in love with the sweet guy instead of the bad boy, there's always that one girl who is the antagonist who the sweet boy liked but she never wanted him until somebody else did.
I've liked him for a long time, I just haven't figured out what those feelings were. I get jealous when I think of him with someone else. If I'm having a bad day, just talking to him makes me smile. I like his dimples, and the way he smiles. I like how nice he is to everybody. I like how he's in chorus, and actually gets excited about it. And he's cute.
I'm an idiot. I lost him.

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