Thursday, October 26, 2017

An Introspective on Life and Friendship

Hey guys so I'm going to get a little deep today and talk about something other than books. By no means do you have to read this if you're not interested in anything other than books, but I felt like I really needed to write this, even if I'm the only one who reads it. It's a way of getting my thoughts out of my busy head and maybe go through a bit of a self-discovery journey. I also feel like I've put so much time and effort into this blog and am entitled to post whatever I want on it. I'm not even sure if this will end up being shared with the world. I don't know how deep I'm going to get, or if I even want people to know everything that I'm going to say. Maybe no one will ever read this. Maybe I won't post it for another three years. Maybe I'll post this at the same time I'm writing this: October 23, 2017 in my most boring class of freshman year of college.

I'm an insecure person with a busy head and undiagnosed anxiety (although, from all the panic attacks over the past few months, I think it's safe to say I have some form of anxiety). From years of being beaten down and only told about my faults, I am insecure and constantly aware of everything I do and how it could be perceived or judged by others. I am reserved and shy for this exact reason. It's hard for me to get out of my head and just be myself, especially when I'm first getting to know a person. Sometimes when I let go of this tight leash, I act like my real self and enjoy it, but then afterwards I analyze everything and get embarrassed for acting like myself. I never think that what I'm doing will be good enough and I always am trying to do better than my best. 

Throughout all the years, I rarely remember compliments. I know that I get complimented on a daily basis, but when you don't believe it, you don't remember it. However, I can remember and tell you about times throughout my life where I have been insulted or told a certain thing. I've been called a fat cow by certain people (and then when I told an authority figure they simply shrugged their shoulders and essentially said 'well, what do you expect?'). That's the first time I remember ever being insecure. I've been yelled at about being the most selfish person that anybody knows, on Christmas day no less, never mind that I was 11 and didn't have money to buy Christmas presents and no help from anyone who did. I've rarely made homemade gifts anymore, and always get incredible anxiety around birthdays and Christmas when it's time to buy gifts. A friend once said "wow, you really love to spend other people's money, don't you?" That struck me deep. It doesn't matter that I was 15 and was talking about my mom buying me a few new clothing items. Even if it wasn't true, I vowed from then on to not take money from people, unless it was a birthday or Christmas gift, without paying them back and giving them copious amounts of "thank you's." I've been called disgusting and fat and almost every insult in the book. It makes it hard to be confident in anything I do. There are other small moments throughout the years that have stuck with me, but those are just some of the major ones. 

I think one of the major things that I've dealt with is feeling like nobody loves me and that I wasn't good enough to be loved. I even felt like my entire family didn't love me and they just put up with me. I've been working on this, and I now know that there are people who love me, but I still struggle. A major thing that I don't necessarily believe is negative is the thought that I'm not entitled to love. I know I'm not entitled to it, and love is earned. There are some people I know will love me no matter what I do, but there are others out there where I need to earn their love as a friend, family member, or romantic partner. Friendship and love are earned, in my mind. And they can be unearned. I've been working on a lot of things. It's hard for me, though, when I work on certain aspects of my personality and then someone comes along and tears me down back to square one. I like the person I am now, and I'm more self-aware than ever, but I know there are still things I could improve upon. 

I'm healing, or trying to at least. I've had a lot of shit go on in my life, particularly the past two years. There are moments that I think about on a daily basis and other events that I think about only rarely. I'm seeking help and trying to improve everything, but there are days that are harder than others. Sometimes I retreat into myself and push others away, even if they don't notice what I'm doing. Other times, I seek out my friends and just talk. 

When I think of my friends, there are a lot of people I think of. There are those that flash to mind almost instantly, and those who shuffle through immediately after. There are those that I don't think of immediately but have still impacted my life in great ways. I am lucky and blessed to have as many amazing friends as I do have. I've gotten closer with some of the friends I've had for 2 months than friends I've had for 5 years. I could talk all day and night about how great all my friends are, but I'll keep it short so as to not bore anyone. 

The thing I want to say to my friends is thank you for being my friend. While at times I do need some space, I'm a person who thrives off social interaction and spending time with friends. Thank you for taking time to get to know me and become my friend. Before college, many social interactions outside of my immediate friend groups left me exhausted and anxious. But now that I'm in college, I thrive off of spending time with my friends. I'm just now realizing how I've gone from introvert to extrovert, mostly due to having such amazing new friends. 

I haven't forgotten about a single one of my friends back home. I still love each and every one of them. I wouldn't be the person I am today without all of the friends I made through school and work and the bonds we've formed. These friends impacted me in such varying, huge ways. I hope that one day I'll be able to name and thank everyone individually, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be that deep yet. 

Maastrash...god I miss y'all. It's been over a year since this friendship was formed in the hallowed corners of Friedman's classroom. I think about these guys every day, and I'm so glad our friendship hasn't wavered despite myself being 100+ miles away. I discovered so much about myself when I became friends with these people. I grew as a person and I started on a path of self-care and building myself up instead of tearing myself down. I don't even think I can list all the things that this friendship has done for me. 

And now for the section I'm most nervous to write, because maybe not everyone feels the same. I came to college knowing that I would make friends, but I also knew I was shy and didn't initiate social contact very often. I also didn't think that I would make as strong of friendships as I've made in the past two months. I feel blessed to have found a group of people that I can be myself around. I don't know if this is too cheesy or not, but I can't believe how amazing my friend group is. Maybe I'm being extra, but I can't help how I feel. 

There's definitely a lot I'm still trying to come to terms with in my life. I've had a lot of ups and downs. There are moments that I may never talk to anyone about, and others that only certain people know about. I think that, even in just the past week, I've gone on such a huge journey of self-discovery. 

I feel like this post was all over the place and had no real flow, but I needed to word vomit for a little bit. College has definitely been the best few months of my life. I've experienced so much and met so many amazing people. I can't imagine going back to the life I had before college. This place is my home and I couldn't be happier. 


Thanks for reading. I'm sorry it was all over the I'm not.


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